Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
fuck your aforementioned shoe
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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