i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
