I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
