Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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