im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
