remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
