i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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