I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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