her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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