I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
