You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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