My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
