No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
