another moral hangover. fuck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
