its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
