Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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