Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
