There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
