I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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