Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
