You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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