2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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