I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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