so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
