No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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