as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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