I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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