I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
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he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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