She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
