i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
