I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i think my cat just said my name.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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