This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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