id be glad to
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
