"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
