I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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