im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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