I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
