You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
