oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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