Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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