Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
