I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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