My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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