did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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