I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
