I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
