You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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