You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
