I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
