Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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