The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
