When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have aggressive nipples.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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