you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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