I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
