so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
