I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
